I am an American, and that comes with a certain amount of baggage these days. It has been a source of great conflict in me since my early years that I feel like a fish out of water in this culture. As a preteen, I saw my country go to war in the middle east. The people around me became bloodthirsty and vicious. Calling for violence against Muslims, distrusting our neighbors. My boss at the first real job I had was an immigrant from Guyana. She was often mistaken for having African heritage and resented it. This person became bitter and racist, calling for an end to birthright citizenship and decrying people who are “lazy” or “complainers”. I stopped talking to her when I left that place but I guarantee she voted for Trump all three times.
My experience of living in this country has been full of negatives. From the church I grew up in to the school that judged me a problem. A small town in Northern Westchester that was full of hypocrisy, I blamed my parents for raising me there. They weren’t the problem, they were trying to be a part of the solution in their own way.
My father grew up in the suburbs of Philadelphia. He was raised Catholic and never forgave his parents for that – becoming more agnostic as an adult. A nerd for radio and gadgets, he spent his life balancing his hobbies with his work. The man started out as a DJ before moving into non-profit work and fighting the oligarchs. Dad always said “we need to get the money out of politics”. He worked for a non-profit organization that fought big tobacco and won a number of concessions that are still in force today. No more Joe Camel type advertising or smoking in restaurants in New York. I don’t want to oversell how “Important” my dad was. But when he died, his funeral was attended by so many people. They came up to me and said, “your father was a special guy, he really cared”. After all the Hell he put me and my sister through, that was tough to hear. He had a lot of anger and psych problems that went unaddressed for his whole life. Still, he had an impact on the world around him. I can only hope to have a similar impact on those I meet and work for before my time comes. The man was flawed, but he continues to inspire me and the work I do every day.
On the other hand, my mom had a smaller splash. She was a true small town American. Growing up in the upper peninsula of Michigan, moving to Lansing and meeting my dad. She was a career woman. Somehow she managed to balance working full time jobs in PR with raising a family and providing emotional support to all of us (especially my father). Mom lived for us, she was always helping others. The doctors she worked with relied on her to get their message to people. We relied on her to keep us (a bunch of free thinking rebellious kids) from going insane in a conservative small town. Her strength was enormous, but it had limits. She suffered from depression, had a suicide attempt in ’05. Gave up on her fight with cancer in 2020 and we lost her. It was impossible for her to keep living without my father, despite our efforts to keep her going.
I am writing about this to provide some context for my identity as an American. Both sides of my family came her with nothing. One grandparent was a coal miner, the other a Firestone Tire factory worker. We were not a part of the founding of this country, but we were able to make a go of it here. I am the only member of my family to make it this far west, and I’ve got the sunburns to show for it. This is not the land of my heritage. I am a guest here and try to acknowledge that in my work and my life. With everything happening right now it would be easy for me to cast off my American identity and try to reclaim some sort of European identity. My partner and I even considered moving back there last year.
However, this is my country. Like it or not, I am a warm blooded American and that comes with all the ugly baggage. But it also comes with a lot of good. People like my parents. People I consider inspirational like writers, activists, movie directors. America isn’t all bad any more than other countries. It has long been held captive by monied interests. That’s why it’s so important for people like us to stick around and keep all of that in check.
