As much as it felt good in the moment to push the metaphorical “I want to be a girl” button back in 2017, I have come to the realization that the question of my gender is more complicated than that. The past six years I have gotten by telling myself and others that I am a trans woman. This is still fundamentally close to the truth, but it is not the whole truth. Seeing others around me getting surgeries and going to great lengths to “pass”, I have felt a growing uncertainty around my desire to be perceived as a woman. I don’t get the same gender euphoria from being seen as a woman that I did early on. In an increasing way I have pulled away from the strict gender binary that governs society.
Last year I started considering detransition, albeit not in a serious way. It was more of a thought experiment. What would happen if I simply stopped taking my HRT and started dressing more androgynously in general? Following the thought experiment to its conclusion led me to where I started. A prisoner of “testosterone brain”. Hormones effect a lot of things and I don’t think I could function the same way if my body was left to its own devices.
Where does this leave me, then? I don’t want to medically detransition (or socially, to be honest. Dresses and women’s clothes generally just suit me better and look better on me. I am predisposed to spending time around women and doing things that are more feminine coded). The issue is that I still feel like a mix of both masculine and feminine in a very genderfluid/genderqueer kind of way. Some days I feel more of one than the other, and I channel different energies at different times in order to express myself. In this regard, I am seeking freedom from the gender binary while still embracing it as a tool for self expression.
The ways in which I feel distanced from the trans feminine community are the same things that are likely being exploited by bad actors at times. There have been a number of detransitioners who feel like they were lied to or indoctrinated by the trans community, then go out and tell their story to conservatives on social media. I want to be clear that I do not feel this way. There was no indoctrination and I have taken every step with a clear head. The issue for me six years into this, is that I still don’t feel like a woman. Not only that, but I don’t even want to fully feel like a woman. Estrogen feels great and I never want to stop taking it (for health reasons). However, I feel most euphoric when I’m mixing up the gender stuff and playing with different combinations. This is still a viewpoint and identity that falls into the broad umbrella of “transgender”. I would not want to go back to trying to fit into the cisgender man mold, it is a restrictive and awful place to be.
People like to say “gender is a social construct” so much that the phrase has lost its usefulness. If Woke 1.0 is actually over like some are saying, we need something new for Woke 2.0. I would like to put forth something along the lines of “gender is your own personal make-up palette and toolbox”. The first phrase is negative and devoid of personal meaning. “Gender is a social construct”, we say. “And…..?” is the only reasonable follow up. Do we need to destroy it? Abolish gender? Construct something else to take its place? I don’t know what to do with that information. By stating that gender is a make-up palette and/or toolbox, we are giving power to anyone who wants to use it that way.
What is gender? Whatever I goddamn well say it is, because I’m an American goddamn it.