joelle snowe

Category: Uncategorized

  • This Genderqueer Person is Still Trans

    As much as it felt good in the moment to push the metaphorical “I want to be a girl” button back in 2017, I have come to the realization that the question of my gender is more complicated than that. The past six years I have gotten by telling myself and others that I am a trans woman. This is still fundamentally close to the truth, but it is not the whole truth. Seeing others around me getting surgeries and going to great lengths to “pass”, I have felt a growing uncertainty around my desire to be perceived as a woman. I don’t get the same gender euphoria from being seen as a woman that I did early on. In an increasing way I have pulled away from the strict gender binary that governs society.

    Last year I started considering detransition, albeit not in a serious way. It was more of a thought experiment. What would happen if I simply stopped taking my HRT and started dressing more androgynously in general? Following the thought experiment to its conclusion led me to where I started. A prisoner of “testosterone brain”. Hormones effect a lot of things and I don’t think I could function the same way if my body was left to its own devices.

    Where does this leave me, then? I don’t want to medically detransition (or socially, to be honest. Dresses and women’s clothes generally just suit me better and look better on me. I am predisposed to spending time around women and doing things that are more feminine coded). The issue is that I still feel like a mix of both masculine and feminine in a very genderfluid/genderqueer kind of way. Some days I feel more of one than the other, and I channel different energies at different times in order to express myself. In this regard, I am seeking freedom from the gender binary while still embracing it as a tool for self expression.

    The ways in which I feel distanced from the trans feminine community are the same things that are likely being exploited by bad actors at times. There have been a number of detransitioners who feel like they were lied to or indoctrinated by the trans community, then go out and tell their story to conservatives on social media. I want to be clear that I do not feel this way. There was no indoctrination and I have taken every step with a clear head. The issue for me six years into this, is that I still don’t feel like a woman. Not only that, but I don’t even want to fully feel like a woman. Estrogen feels great and I never want to stop taking it (for health reasons). However, I feel most euphoric when I’m mixing up the gender stuff and playing with different combinations. This is still a viewpoint and identity that falls into the broad umbrella of “transgender”. I would not want to go back to trying to fit into the cisgender man mold, it is a restrictive and awful place to be.

    People like to say “gender is a social construct” so much that the phrase has lost its usefulness. If Woke 1.0 is actually over like some are saying, we need something new for Woke 2.0. I would like to put forth something along the lines of “gender is your own personal make-up palette and toolbox”. The first phrase is negative and devoid of personal meaning. “Gender is a social construct”, we say. “And…..?” is the only reasonable follow up. Do we need to destroy it? Abolish gender? Construct something else to take its place? I don’t know what to do with that information. By stating that gender is a make-up palette and/or toolbox, we are giving power to anyone who wants to use it that way.

    What is gender? Whatever I goddamn well say it is, because I’m an American goddamn it.

  • Writing for Pleasure

    She told me to write so I started writing. Sometimes we need a little bit of encouragement from the people we love to do something for ourselves. Writing has been a thing that I have struggled to do of my own volition for most of my life. Why would I write for myself? It makes little sense to grab a keyboard or pen and start vomiting out words for an audience of one. People tell me they like my writing and that’s great. I like it too. The problem is that I have spent most of my life waiting for permission to do the things I like most. It has felt easier to prioritize other things (like videogames) that don’t satisfy my need to be creative but still provide a sense of accomplishment. I set myself little goals and my brain rewards me with dopamine. Still, at the end of the day my running practice has fallen to the wayside and I’ve written very little this year so far.

    It is easy to say that work gets in the way. It does. I have a job that requires a lot of emotional energy and staying on late hours (I do my best writing in the evening). It does leave me with little. But that’s the thing I have been missing: writing isn’t a draining activity. It is rejuvenating. Social media is a time sink, so are videogames. They require little to no effort to engage with. The rewards for doing so match that effort. After playing a long videogame session I feel anxious and burnt out, in need of more rest. It isn’t filling me with energy, it is taking the little reserves I have left.

    I have learned once again that writing is different. It is an activity that engages parts of my brain that nothing else can touch. It starts with a blank page and then I decide what to fill it with. There’s no game design or algorithms or flashy graphics competing for my attention. Just a screen or a page and my thoughts.

    My partner and I were talking last night and they asked me what I wanted to write, what my goals are. I told them that I want to write things that are interesting to me, not to chase trends or focus on selling something. If I am going to write in my free time, it should be for me. If the focus is on selling, it will be a compromised work before even starting. That is all I am going to say about it here because I don’t like talking about things while they are still in progress.

    Reading and writing rewire your brain to work in a more linear and structured way. The flow of words and sentences reinforce a kind of logic and also a dreamlike state of thinking where thoughts can run through your head. It clears the blockage. This is what I’ve been experiencing for the past month or so. It feels like I am in the process of detoxing my brain from things that are taking up too much of my free time. All the time spent reading is good. But getting in the writing time is also of equal importance. You can’t be all about inputs, you need to output as well. Even if a person isn’t a creative type this is of utmost importance. Find a way to put your energy out there and externalize some of your thoughts and feelings. It is therapeutic.

  • My American Backstory

    I am an American, and that comes with a certain amount of baggage these days. It has been a source of great conflict in me since my early years that I feel like a fish out of water in this culture. As a preteen, I saw my country go to war in the middle east. The people around me became bloodthirsty and vicious. Calling for violence against Muslims, distrusting our neighbors. My boss at the first real job I had was an immigrant from Guyana. She was often mistaken for having African heritage and resented it. This person became bitter and racist, calling for an end to birthright citizenship and decrying people who are “lazy” or “complainers”. I stopped talking to her when I left that place but I guarantee she voted for Trump all three times.

    My experience of living in this country has been full of negatives. From the church I grew up in to the school that judged me a problem. A small town in Northern Westchester that was full of hypocrisy, I blamed my parents for raising me there. They weren’t the problem, they were trying to be a part of the solution in their own way.

    My father grew up in the suburbs of Philadelphia. He was raised Catholic and never forgave his parents for that – becoming more agnostic as an adult. A nerd for radio and gadgets, he spent his life balancing his hobbies with his work. The man started out as a DJ before moving into non-profit work and fighting the oligarchs. Dad always said “we need to get the money out of politics”. He worked for a non-profit organization that fought big tobacco and won a number of concessions that are still in force today. No more Joe Camel type advertising or smoking in restaurants in New York. I don’t want to oversell how “Important” my dad was. But when he died, his funeral was attended by so many people. They came up to me and said, “your father was a special guy, he really cared”. After all the Hell he put me and my sister through, that was tough to hear. He had a lot of anger and psych problems that went unaddressed for his whole life. Still, he had an impact on the world around him. I can only hope to have a similar impact on those I meet and work for before my time comes. The man was flawed, but he continues to inspire me and the work I do every day.

    On the other hand, my mom had a smaller splash. She was a true small town American. Growing up in the upper peninsula of Michigan, moving to Lansing and meeting my dad. She was a career woman. Somehow she managed to balance working full time jobs in PR with raising a family and providing emotional support to all of us (especially my father). Mom lived for us, she was always helping others. The doctors she worked with relied on her to get their message to people. We relied on her to keep us (a bunch of free thinking rebellious kids) from going insane in a conservative small town. Her strength was enormous, but it had limits. She suffered from depression, had a suicide attempt in ’05. Gave up on her fight with cancer in 2020 and we lost her. It was impossible for her to keep living without my father, despite our efforts to keep her going.

    I am writing about this to provide some context for my identity as an American. Both sides of my family came her with nothing. One grandparent was a coal miner, the other a Firestone Tire factory worker. We were not a part of the founding of this country, but we were able to make a go of it here. I am the only member of my family to make it this far west, and I’ve got the sunburns to show for it. This is not the land of my heritage. I am a guest here and try to acknowledge that in my work and my life. With everything happening right now it would be easy for me to cast off my American identity and try to reclaim some sort of European identity. My partner and I even considered moving back there last year.

    However, this is my country. Like it or not, I am a warm blooded American and that comes with all the ugly baggage. But it also comes with a lot of good. People like my parents. People I consider inspirational like writers, activists, movie directors. America isn’t all bad any more than other countries. It has long been held captive by monied interests. That’s why it’s so important for people like us to stick around and keep all of that in check.

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  • These Are The Books I Am Reading

    my tbr is too damn much but I’m really enjoying getting back into reading. Starman is an old favorite and everyone should read the Robinson/Harris run from the 90s. I don’t consider myself a big marvel fan outside of the X-Men (am a DC girl who is patiently waiting for a Zatanna movie) but of course we are seeing the new Spidey this weekend.

    this list has some books I’ve been eager to get to for a while that I haven’t gotten to because of time spent playing videogames instead. let’s be honest: as a working adult, videogames are almost worthless and a waste of time. 75% of my game purchases in the past 5 years have been disappointing. About 25% of book purchases have been a let down. the better medium is books, proven by science because I gave some numbers off the top of my head.

    “Videogames were a mistake” – Jeff Gerstmann

    Books:

    Starman Compendium One by James Robinson, Tony Harris, Wade von Grawbadger

    The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene

    Farewell My Lovely by Raymond Chandler

    The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene

    Poor Things by Alasdair Gray

    Regime Change by Maggie Haberman and Jonathan Swan

    In A Lonely Place by Dorothy B. Hughes

    Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke

    The Fall by Albert Camus

    Clockers by Richard Price

    Catch-22 by Joseph Heller

    Never Say You Can’t Survive by Charlie Jane Anders

    Barnaby Rudge by Charles Dickens

    Collected Prose – Paul Auster

    Go tackle your book backlog, gamers!

  • Balancing my Media Diet

    I’m just going to type out a quick update here for the sheer hell of it. There has been a lot going on in my personal and professional life at the moment, and I am deep in the process of Getting My Shit Together. Because of this, it is difficult to have the spoons for things like blog posts and writing of my own. My job is in the category of social work and social services. It is emotionally demanding and requires a lot of physical work as well. I go in at 3pm and get back home anywhere from 10 to 11 pm. Sometimes I collapse in a heap on the bed. Other times I have enough energy to play some video games.

    I really enjoy playing Final Fantasy XIV, the MMORPG one. It provides me with enough escapism to last a whole week if I can fit in a hefty play session. Lately, I have even had a few people to play with – including my beloved partner. I have also been playing a bit of Palworld and The Legend of Heroes: Trails in the Sky SC (second chapter). I believe Palworld will have enough longevity to justify the purchase (it’s a meaty game). I know I will get my money’s worth from The Legend of Heroes series as a whole. Pokemon is a series I have largely grown out of though. It is interesting to hear how so many adults around me continue to find joy in it, Gamefreak must be doing something right. But for me I would rather be playing something like FFXIV or Palworld (or the open world Zelda games) which feel like there are less barriers to having a chill time. Being a working adult has changed my gaming habits over time. It is a death by a thousand cuts situation which has killed off my interest in most video games that I used to enjoy.

    To fill the void left by Total Devotion to Gaming, I have picked up some books and magazines again. I also go to a weekly film club type thing at a local theater. I am (finally) working my way through Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace and have progressed to about the halfway point. I have also subscribed to Harper’s and invested in a membership at Barnes & Noble which gives me access to other magazines. Today I picked up the newest issue of The Atlantic and a special magazine that covers the history of Goth/post punk music and the subculture around it(surprising no one who knows me). I look forward to diving into these this weekend. This maturation into a “Magazine Adult” feels uncomfortable to me, as someone who always cast aspersions at such people when I was younger. Nonetheless I have accepted that I am a cultured and reading person who needs to keep that part of my brain fed and happy or it will become unruly and difficult to manage.

    This is my current lifestyle. My partner and I just finished watching through all of The Wire, which is still my favorite TV show of all time. After a rewatch, I have some nitpicks but it manages to balance a lot of spinning plates at once. The landing at the end of the series is rocky, but it’s fitting for a show that covers early 21st century American life. It goes hand in hand with Infinite Jest quite well too, I recommend experiencing both alongside each other.

    I am off to work but should have more to say soon. Until then, don’t neglect your media diet. Consuming blindly leads to disappointment. Just because you played the last six Resident Evil games the year they came out, doesn’t mean you have to plunk down $70 out of obligation in 2026. Question your hobbies and interests, spending the time the way you really want to.

    That’s what I tell myself these days.