She told me to write so I started writing. Sometimes we need a little bit of encouragement from the people we love to do something for ourselves. Writing has been a thing that I have struggled to do of my own volition for most of my life. Why would I write for myself? It makes little sense to grab a keyboard or pen and start vomiting out words for an audience of one. People tell me they like my writing and that’s great. I like it too. The problem is that I have spent most of my life waiting for permission to do the things I like most. It has felt easier to prioritize other things (like videogames) that don’t satisfy my need to be creative but still provide a sense of accomplishment. I set myself little goals and my brain rewards me with dopamine. Still, at the end of the day my running practice has fallen to the wayside and I’ve written very little this year so far.
It is easy to say that work gets in the way. It does. I have a job that requires a lot of emotional energy and staying on late hours (I do my best writing in the evening). It does leave me with little. But that’s the thing I have been missing: writing isn’t a draining activity. It is rejuvenating. Social media is a time sink, so are videogames. They require little to no effort to engage with. The rewards for doing so match that effort. After playing a long videogame session I feel anxious and burnt out, in need of more rest. It isn’t filling me with energy, it is taking the little reserves I have left.
I have learned once again that writing is different. It is an activity that engages parts of my brain that nothing else can touch. It starts with a blank page and then I decide what to fill it with. There’s no game design or algorithms or flashy graphics competing for my attention. Just a screen or a page and my thoughts.
My partner and I were talking last night and they asked me what I wanted to write, what my goals are. I told them that I want to write things that are interesting to me, not to chase trends or focus on selling something. If I am going to write in my free time, it should be for me. If the focus is on selling, it will be a compromised work before even starting. That is all I am going to say about it here because I don’t like talking about things while they are still in progress.
Reading and writing rewire your brain to work in a more linear and structured way. The flow of words and sentences reinforce a kind of logic and also a dreamlike state of thinking where thoughts can run through your head. It clears the blockage. This is what I’ve been experiencing for the past month or so. It feels like I am in the process of detoxing my brain from things that are taking up too much of my free time. All the time spent reading is good. But getting in the writing time is also of equal importance. You can’t be all about inputs, you need to output as well. Even if a person isn’t a creative type this is of utmost importance. Find a way to put your energy out there and externalize some of your thoughts and feelings. It is therapeutic.